There are many things I want to tell you, but I just don't have the courage. I will tell you one day, maybe when you are older. Although you are an adult now, I have always felt that I have failed you as your older sister. The day that it actually hit me was probably the worst. For all of my life, I've wrestled with guilt. I always think I'm not there for you, we don't have anything in common, I don't spend enough time with you, I don't tell you I love you, I don't do enough for you, I don't go out with you, I just always feel like it's not enough.
There was one day I had come home from school or work, and you were in a "meeting" with a psychiatrist. I guess this was necessary because you had just graduated from high school, so we needed to figure out what you would do in college. You had gone under a psychiatric evaluation and she was talking. I had no idea what was going on but I was so excited to come home and talk to you that day. You were in the computer room with her and the door was closed. I ran over and flung the door opening yelling out your name with a big smile on my face. When I saw this strange woman, I apologized non-stop. You said "Hi" to me like you always do with a smile and then introduced me as your big sister. I said "nice to meet, so sorry" and I walked out. Mom and dad were in the kitchen watching tv and I asked them what was going on.
I wasn't supposed to do this, but I did. I read your psychiatric evaluation. Mom and dad had just tossed it to the side. Since they weren't read it... I felt like I had every right to. The things she said hurt so bad. When we were growing up, I always understood that you are mentally disabled. I have always loved you for who you are and will never stop doing so. In the evaluation, she had written the results of your testings with extensive detail on your mental capacity. Those things I didn't care for. I know that you are capable of many things that are not mentioned in that review. She wrote that our family alienates you. She wrote that we ignore you. She also wrote that I only communicate with you because I feel as if it is my duty.
The thing that a lot of people don't know about is our bond. Did you know that when you were younger, you had a stuttering problem? I didn't even know until I was in middle school and learned what stuttering was. I had always understood you perfectly when we were younger. I didn't understand why others couldn't understand you, but I grew up translating for you. In many ways, I feel that the bond between us was always meant to be. There are reasons why everyone is who they are. I was put here to protect you, to love you, to help you. I have no idea where that woman got all her answers from, but I am sorry. I'm sorry our family has failed you. I'm sorry for all the hurt and anxiety you hold inside. I'm sorry I don't know how to help you.
Do you remember when 9/11 happened? While everyone was running out of our high school, I was the only person running back inside. My only thought was to find you, bring you somewhere safe, to find Ivan, then protect the both of you. Do you remember the panic you and I felt when we couldn't find Ivan? Do you remember running to grandma & grandpa's house ringing their door nonstop only to remember that they weren't home? We had to ride the bus to go home. The bus was completely empty and so were the streets. You and I called mom and begged her to leave her office downtown and to head home. If San Francisco really did come under attack that day, I was already ready to fight to my own death to protect you. Do you remember..that day we went rafting in China? You and I took a raft together because you wanted to be with me. We hit a turbulent part of the river and I fell out of the raft. You stood up screaming my name and yelling out in English to people on shore to help me, that i'm your sister and begging for someone to help me. Although no one understood you, they could see & hear the fear and panic in your face and voice. I don't think I ever swam harder or faster in my whole life. When I got back on our raft, I hugged you and I told you I was okay. You calmed down eventually, but in my head I promised myself to never worry you like that ever again. I can't bear to put you through that. The panic that hit you that day is what I feel every time I think about moving. It will be the furthest that i've ever moved away from home, and I panic because I feel I will be too far to protect you. I also don't want you to feel as though i'm abandoning you. I will ALWAYS be your big sister. I will ALWAYS understand you. I will ALWAYS love you.
your big guilt ridden sister.
P.S. Thank you to those who have read this and commented or are going to comment. Just wanted to add this note since there seems to be a bit of confusion: both of my siblings are males. I have 2 younger brothers. Dana is my brother.
Day 03- A habit that you wish you didn’t have.
Day 04- List 15 songs that represent your life’s soundtrack.
Day 14- A picture of something you ate and 10 confessions.
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle & share the first 10 songs that play.
Day 16- Something you could live without.
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why.
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have.
Day 19- Nicknames you have & how or why you have them.
Day 20- If you had 3 wishes, what would they be.
Day 21- Share a picture from your day.
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else.
Day 23- What is something you crave.
Day 24- Share a story about your past that you are ashamed of.
Day 25- What I would find in your bag.
Day 26- Places you want to visit before you die.
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge?
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned.
Day 30- A picture of you today & 20 goals you want to accomplish.