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just wanted to make a few things clear...

• If my last entry made you think I was leaving blog, I'm sorry to have to misled you. I'm around, just emotionally & psychologically drained.
• If I was leaving, I wouldn't bother to make an announcement, I would just stop all together.

I've been M.I.A. from all this because... well... I don't know how to put things in words anymore.

My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital for some time now. Last week, things took a turn for the worse. He's currently in a nursing home because he needs 24 hour care. It is probably one of the most heart wrenching places I've ever visited. My extended family and I are scrambling making preparations for the worst but always hoping for the best (although doctors have said otherwise... they say he'll go any day now).
My frail grandmother has been back and forth between the nursing home, my house, and her own home. Before my grandfather fell ill, he was the one who took care her. I hate the thought of her being alone. I can't sleep at night sometimes knowing that she's alone in her cold, dark, home. Sometimes she stays with us, but she always insists on being left alone, in the dark. What is one to do?

A few years ago I realized that my mother is my hero. We don't get along at times, she doesn't know me very well (if at all), we disagree, we argue, but she is the glue that holds this family together. Through all this, my mother has been a rock. She thinks she is Wonder Woman: going to work, going to the nursing home, picking up my grandmother and bringing her to the home, going to cemeteries, going to funeral homes, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, feeding my grandfather, etc. When I try to talk to her, she stonewalls me. Earlier this week, she pulled me aside and had a talk with me. She finally broke down and cried - one of the very rare times she's ever had a heart to heart talk with me. How does one console their mother as they pour their heart out because their own father is dying?

I feel like my brain is constantly wired. I'm waiting for a phone call at all hours of the day or night - but if I don't get a phone call I am relieved. At the same time, I'm holding on and hoping that I'll get a phone call with positive news.

If I've been coming off as abrasive and non-responsive, I'm sorry. My heart and mind are elsewhere.